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 Shenjvinjen - The Monster 
   
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Дата публикации: 14.10.2004

"Чудовисько" на английском. Это не перевод! Писалось параллельно.

***

I am walking in the corridor and the neighboring silence, while its teeth are chattering horridly, absorbs me, engorges my inner "I". It peals in my ears, winges like a lonely puppy and rings like three hundreds of silver bells. It hauls me into the abyss of the sombre "nothing-at-all", that stretches below my feet. I am walking in the corridor and people are walking by. Minutes are passing too slowly. The surrounding world now appears from the mist of my thoughts, looking like a photo, now disappears in the dimness of the subconscious again. I am drifting above the floor like a school ghost.

Suddenly everything accelerates. Again, I find myself in the hurting reality. However, everything is quiet here, unlike from that noisy silence where I was at. People start to walk by with such a speed that I cannot understand what is happening to me, I can only see two motley stripes of men's figures flashing side by side.

At least everything has finished. The silence has filled my essence again. I enter the English class, calmly sit at the desk and freeze. Now I am the statue. I am going to sit so, with no move, looking at the little spot on the white wall in order so that nobody can notice me, me and my silence, which, biting the parts of my body, harasses my soul with its shrill cry. But unexpectedly The Goddess enters the class. The pink scarf adores Her neck. I feel Her with each cell of my maimed organism and try not to think about that fact that She is indifferent to me. Only now my parasite silence has gone away, having changed into the hushed song: "That was your tender hand that has killed the Love. So, goodbye..." And now The Goddess is near, just too near so that I cannot think clearly. I dive into the blessedness... I know: it is only for a while, only for some seconds, but I am so thankful for it! Unintentionally She touches my shoulder and the white rose flowers in my chest. I am a monster because I have enough insolence to dream about Her after all that have happened, after what I have done. But here She goes out... Again I stay with my uproar silence...

 

***

It is time to go home. It's time to leave the school, that became a prison for me, but a desired and favorite prison, and run to the warm bed, where you can cover yourself up with a blanket and protect yourself from everything that environs you. I am going downstairs when suddenly I feel the panic and the irrepressible desire to see The Goddess. Rapidly I change the direction of my way and some bizarre power shows me the way to the some unknown place. Turn to the left, straight, again to the left, the stairs, straight: Stop! And here She is: She is walking marvelously with no hurry. I outrun Her, giving the only one look to Her Godlike hair, and run like a cranky girl, run straight ahead, like one run from his past.

And so, I am outdoor. But He is there: He waits for The Goddess. First, I notice His unattractive yellow shoes and black messy hair. I feel the fear. The fear that something is going to happen, that He will see me, come to me, grab my throat and throttle me, and my body will fall down on the solid asphalt like an aged scarecrow; and the larger fear that nothing at all is going to happen, that I will pass like a phantom. And I pass Him by, with an evil look at His big nose. I am going home and the total loneliness and the mad silence wrap me.

It starts raining: Little drops touch my body and congeal like ice grits. It is not far from home: There are almost no people: everybody escaped somewhere. And I crawl and crawl in the mucky streets. I look down and see there a puddle: big, foul and sordid. I fall on my knees, diving my fingers into the black and brown slush, raise my head, look into the grey cruel sky and a loud sob comes from my lights. I yell, whimper and moan, because a monster, a real monster is springing up from me. It exhausts the live power of my personality, changes my form and destroys the remains of my humanity. It is painful, too painful, like million thick steel stakes are pulled into my body:

But lately I stand up and go away into the shadows. The first monster is born:

 

***

I have been spying Him for a week, noticing His every movement, studying His every thought. And now I feel: His moment has come.

It is late evening: He is returning home, and I am drifting after Him like a disregarded silhouette. At a definite minute I touch His shoulder. He turns around:

-- You?

Does He memorize me? Does He really consider me?

-- Yes, it is me. I came to liberate You.

-- Liberate from what? Leave me alone! You are crazy!

-- Aren't you?

-- Not so!

-- You are right, not so:. You are much crazier. That is why it is the time for You to become.

-- To become whom?

-- To become a monster like me.

-- But I do not want to be a fiend like you!

-- Why not? You already are so.

I dive my fingers into His chest and clutch His heart: He shouts like a wounded bear, falls on His knees and a monster comes from His stomach.

In some minutes He stands up, grins and we together go away into the shadows. The two first monsters started their living being...

 

***

Today is the great day! The Goddess will become The Monster. I have carefully prepared for such an event. At first, He and me left our tiny crypt where we lived before for a gorgeous chalet in suburbs, the owners of which we had killed. Of course, we had to change the interior: I painted the walls into red color, threw fur covers on the floor and placed candles everywhere in the house. It is gloomy and silent - it is comfortable. And now we are going to Her house. I am dressed in the red velvet dress and black leather capote and He is dressed in something black and silk. The first who notices Her is me. The Goddess is amazing: black skirt with red poppies and yellow blouse:

This time everything happens fast, with no word. We grab Her and free the monster but we do not touch Her heart: we let Her be a monster with the humanity, The Goddess Monster.  

Tranquilly we return home. I show Her our house but She does not say anything, She only sits in the corner and falls asleep:

 

 ***

I have been a monster for a year. It is not dull or terrifying here. Silence does not bark, now it is the part of me. We have a lot of work to do. We create the Monster World. Every day we generate new monsters. Unfortunately, not everything is okay. The main reason of it is He. He is so possessed with his murder and rape ideas that he cripples people with a lot of humanity. I abuse him, but what one can do! I cannot do it by myself and I do not have time to control it. It was earlier when I liked to search out my victims, craze them and then all of a sudden make them monsters, but now I have to take care after The Goddess. It is very complicated for Her to live in this world although it is Her personification: But I am always close to Her and I make all Her wishes come true and make Him bring only the tastiest humanity because we eat it. And the tastiest humanity is the humanity in very small portions, that is why I do not like His "no-matter-whom" slays.

The Goddess is sleeping... I cover Her with a fuzz mantle; it is useful for Her to siesta alone. I walk off in the open air. Wintry current of air pats my long red hair.

-- Missis, missis, gimme some money! I have not eaten since yesterday morning.

In front of me I see a petite blonde girl dressed up in rags. I embrace her and lead her to the house. No, I will not kill this miniature angel, I let her live with us. I will feed her with the best food, dress her with the best attire and give her the best room. I do not want this kid to suffer in the streets of uncaring city:

 

***

 

Ten years have passed: At least I have created the Monster World! There are millions of us; we are spread all over the world. We eat humanity. We shelter the poor and children. We craze, taunt and slaughter. We are everywhere. And I am the Monster Queen. And today I am going to give a speech in front of my horrible nation. I look into the next room. The Goddess sleeps there. She smiles: perhaps She is dreaming about the strawberries:.

Abruptly He enters my room. He worries:

-- Are you ready? Everybody is waiting for you!

-- Yeah, just: You know: I do not want:

-- Why? What has happened?

-- No-no, everything is all right:. Just: Do we do right? Do I do right?

With the last word my voice goes up and I start to snivel: He soothes me.

-- What's eating you? Everything is fine. Look at what you have already done!

-- But: but: it does not have to be so! Who gave me the right to make them the monsters, who gave me the right to make The Goddess: even you: the monsters?!

Tears roll on my cheeks and I fall on my knees and sob.

-- Oh, do not be stupid! I am pleased with what you have done to me! You unlocked my character. And it is hard to live for Goddess because of her humanity. She is like, like a human! It was you who decided to leave her heart. And what about the others: They, they are the mass, they do not understand anything, they are grateful for having been given a power and they are our slaves! It has to be so! We do many good affairs! We help the miserable, we...

-- Enough! We will be punished. It is the only thing I know.

I stopped Him in this way. And I go to the main hall for giving a speech. A beam falls on my visage, and in front of me I see only a mob of the damned monsters.

 

***

I get in the corner. There is only silence with me. The silence that kills me again, that has become my enemy again, that grunts, hems, clucks and mumbles again:

He comes out of Her room and immediately I get to Him:

-- How is She?

-- As usual. But I have much worse news. Our Monster World does not exist yet. Those who were "real" monsters just disappeared, dissolved in the air and those who had left some parts of their humanity died in dreadful tortures: Forgive me, I:

-- Don't! I: I knew that it would be so.

I turn around and leave without any word. I climb on the roof and start looking at the night stars.

The silence kills me, divide my organs, it gobbles me. And I fade away, turn into an apparition again:

In three hours He comes to me. He sits nearby, embrace me and whisper:

-- She has died.

I flinch, but He starts to speak again:

-- Don't worry, her pain stopped at the last minute, she smiled and said that you had been the whitest rose for her, that she was pleased with your poems and your teddy-bear and that she was not hurt by what you had done. And then she vanished. She did it blissfully with a smile on her face:

We keep silence; we look at the black sky.

-- Can you feel it?

-- What exactly?

-- Can you feel how you stop existing? Become transparent?

-- Yeah.

-- Me too.

And we were sitting so and looking at the thin yellow horizon line.

In some minutes the sun rose:

The silence has burnt up the two last monsters:


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    2004-10-14 21:43:11 Серый Волк
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        Класссссссно! Поздравляю!

    2005-11-18 10:06:08 Автор aka Shenjvinjen aka Jane Kelin aka Яна Калiнiченко
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