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 infuser - There, where we also find ourselves... 
   
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Дата публикации: 4.1.2006

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There, where we also find ourselves .......
I never thought that I would ever encounter what I feel and understand at this very moment. No, I am not saying that I have faced something terrible, something that could terrorize me or kill me, then and there, in the open. No, it is not so.... I also don't mean something unexpectedly wonderful and miraculous, something good I wasn't aware of before. No......
I just feel I haven't embarked on this. This, the thing I had been waiting for...... Not that I know how or from whom I learned the difference between "this" with "not this". Although I think that I received this subconscious knowledge from there and from Him, who made the beginning for everything. And everything appears from there, disappears in order to appear again.
Scenes, moods, scent are coming to me from the past..... at least from the my past. I am trying to sate that part of myself which experiences my abiding in "not this". I am tensing, relaxing, ready rise and fall, for felicity and pain after it... I believe not believing, and don't believe believing at the same time..... I suspect it appears I am in agony, though I am calm and sound outwardly....... people can't discern it. It is the result of my quest for what i feel belongs to me. It is kind of fighting but sometimes I take solace in it, sometimes it is restful but it can occasionally wear me out.
- Evade, evade ..... - I can hear....
- And after it live, live!
 
Evening, highway, motel..... There is a weird sensation of ease. The composition of all the multipliers of this scene, which creates the emotional-spiritual background, makes it exactly what I start to understand I want. I feel that I am "there".... But I realize in a moment that it hasn't been with me in my real, tangible, life..... My thoughts are divine and primitive (some would say). I can see that SHE is there ..... and everything is in her... the wind of a warm summer sea, calmness after salvation, the merry murmur of a brook, the mystery that lies in the night sky, growing mirth, the game between us...... - what are a gift and a sense from the Pure One.
 
But I have to return to what is called reality. I feel pity, I feel pity that I am not there.
I will be trying not to be afraid to give myself to you.... I know I can die if you won't give yourself to me.... But I want to be steadfast, unafraid to die.... I am pure in what I am doing and pure ones can't die.... they undergo a death but keep on living....
I want to be found with you on the level of that depth where felicity becomes true.... I felt it once....... It is so.....
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    2006-07-13 11:37:32 рика ли
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        believe not believing, and don't believe believing at the same time..... - замечательно-правдивая фраза, но пытаясь понять ее,я начинаю безумно тосковать, потому что хочется что-то изменить...
    все равно, мысли - чудесные, на каком бы языке они не были


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